It's almost the end of this year 2015. Long time I didn't fill this blog with my stupid writting about stuffs that's happening or stuffs that I'm into. I was busy. Beside of jobs, there are many problems that got me occcupied these whole months. Yeah, I ve been dealing with someone and It doesn't work out so well. Hmmm...present tense, It means that I'm still dealing with it. Course it is.
I have this kind of relationship with someone, It happened so fast. I didn't think too much to start this relation. It just happened. Got some friends of mine worried too. They said I got some hacked by some witchcraft stuffs or hoodoo voodoo kind of thing. Lolx I wanna roll into the floor right now.
Well....my relationship was and is on and off. And now I couldnt feel that It gets me somewhere better called future together. I dont know whether I should carry on or no. I just know that I still have this feeling for him. Ok call him Mr.Hook, because he hooked me up so easily, I dont know I was stupid or he is too talented. I didnt want to elaborate how I met him, It was kind of silly. I just want to write about how I feel now about this relationship I have.
I do love him, Love here means whatever bad other person say he is...or whatever things he did to me..whatever annoying he is to some other people.. I dont care. I wanna spend more years or ages with him and try to make things work once again. But I cant lie, things are done, been there done that for some kind of drama in the movies. Some random other girl sexting him : checked, that random girl came to his house for some unclear reason : checked, Another abusive words, attitude, behaviour, that hurts me mentally, sexually, physically : checked. I know you could call me stupid for staying and wonder why I stayed for so long, almost a year (I discovered those things just right after 2 months in relationship, yeah well I should have gone while I could, but I didnt).
I dont even know why I stayed. I cant lie that I dont hope so much in this relationship, I cant lie that the possibilities I had for him to change is now growing only 20 percent, I cant lie that I tried to escape from him like God knows how many times I tried to go back to the person I'm with before him. A person who made me just like what I was although I couldnt feel his present besides me. He caught that too, and it kind of hurting him quite much. But here is the thing, He felt that was hurting but why cant I feel the same way before? I still remember those text he sent to other girl telling them how he miss them and tell one of those girls that she is still the best for him. He always said it was just for testing me. Oh man, who are you to test me? You're not even worthy for them or me maybe.
This time I feel like I wanna let go. Let go it means that, whatever he tried to do I let it be. I dont want to tied him again like before. Always worrying about who he is with or who he is texting. I dont wanna do that anymore. I really want to give in. Whatever his decision is. If he want to let me go or he want to stay then it is. But now I dont want to do that again. Being the one who always apologize whether I'm wrong or right. Being the one who just trying to make things right when it doesnt right anymore. I;m tired. I wanna let this thing goes. If he wanted to make things right I will wait. But I feel like I just cant anymore. That Mr. Hook really put his hook inside of me and dont take it off. So if I forcely take it off I would die. But if I just let it in, I would die too , just the matter of time in waiting the blood to run dry.
I want to stop hoping for him. Wishing he is my Mr.Right. But I cant tell him I want it. I want him to do it. To take it off his own hook from me. I want he as the one who started all the flames, to get it done with the heat. To cool it with ice, water, or anything. I have to be ready whenever it is. And by the time he takes off the hook, I dont need to shed a tear or cry the whole night just to kill the night to live another morning everyday. I have to be strong not to drown in sorrow if he left me. I need some distance now. I dont want to text him or call him again. I will just block his text. No matter I still could check the spam box, but at least I didnt have to know if he is texting me. I wanna come back to the old me. Who is enjoying myself but now alone on my own. I have better life aheads on me. I have brother and sisters who still needs me. I have parents, I havent paid them back for how hard they tried to survive the day just to let me be like this. I dont want to destroy my life by overthinking about someone who doesnt respect me anymore. Someone who doesnt see the good in me. Someone who will just shut the light out of my face.
But I cant lie, being with him I understand so many things. He taught me to be brave. To be who I am. To see anything differently. I cant forget how he tried to fix so many things that I couldnt fix. How he tried to help me with my laundry even when he was tired. How he tried to calm down whenever I'm having my PMS trouble each months. I cant forget that, he is a good one. Maybe I just dont understand him as much he wanted me to do. Maybe someone else could only they couldnt be together that is why they still have affair behind my back. He thinks the same thing to about me. In fact it is big impossible for me. Hmmm or maybe we are just the same thing.
I want to let go. No more hoping he would knock on my door and window shouting in the night to hang out for just eating or sitting near the harbour. No more lunch call. No more breakfast call. No more pick me up after work text. No more where are you I miss you text. No more I want to eat durian let's go and hunt them down. There is no more of it. I should get used to it. When he asked that simply refuse and said that I'm busy with something. Or maybe just not answer it if it's the night time and said I sleep early the next morning in the busy time. So he doesnt invite you to go lunch with him instead. Just cut him off. There you can see you could survive it, like you both never have seen each other before. There you can see, if he really wants you and want to make things work he have to do something real and make you real. I think that is one of so many ways. I have to force myself not to get myself like I'm the one who want it so badly. I have to changed myself. Before he really thinks that I'm weak person. Oh God help me deal with it. I just need to be alone until I'm ready to accept someone better to my life. If it's not him please just let him go......
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