This year I will be 23 years old. Then it got me thinking about something which is 5 years ago, I really don't wanna think about it. For this whole time, I'm keeping myself as a totally single. Never had a real relationship to any guys in this whole wild world. Kind of pathetic right. Sometimes I feel so. It doesn't matter actually for people who has straight principe of being muslimah and want to go straight forward to marriage without having such a relationship with any guy. But actually, I'm not holding that principe so much. Considering my parents I think are open about this thing. But, I feel like I'm losing interest for this department of loving falling in love kind of stuffs. I just don't wanna do it. I'm feeling tired of it. Just imagine it, could make me really not in the mood to go on this life. Too much? Maybe.
I think it's just because I haven't found the right person in my life yet. Maybe I did find him. But looks like it's not going to work out well. So skip it a little bit.
Tell you the truth deary, I'm not an easy going kind of person, I'm boring, and don't have really good and angelic attitude. I'm well aware of it. Everytime I feel I'm good, something in my brain keep telling me that noone is going to put some interests on me. Since I'm no good looking girl, not really good muslimah (just half yes half no), don't have good personality, don't like to put myself in good conversation, and many more. I'm very sure that nobody ever really like me for who I am and what I am. Maybe it's tend to look like depressed or something, isn't it?
Well for that kind of thing I give it on My Glorious God. He will give me what's best for me.But it doesn't mean that now I feel chill about it. I'm totally feeling so sad.
Couldn't pretend that I'm not envy for some of my friends who are having nice guy beside them. Someone who could take care of them and want them for the further and bigger step in their life. I think I do less praying for this thing. Because I don't really care. But somtimes it feels so lonely deep inside. I know I shouldn't think about this thing because I have Allah beside me. But I think it's not wrong if a girl like me in this age is feeling this loneliness and emptiness inside.
Someone said that he is having some intentions for the next step. But, I couldn't really believe of it, unless I see him making some real moves to my parents. I will not believe it. I take it as a craps.Everybody could say this so easily without taking action nd it doesn't make me he is so different. But it's not that I'm being such an impatient person. I would like to wait, but I need to see that I'm waiting for the right thing, waiting for the sure thing, and my waiting will not be meaningless someday. I need that thought in my head. I wish I can.
For next year, I don't think I don't think I will meet the 'Mr.Right' or the 'It Guy' yet. Noticing how much I'm not moving on from the person I was before, even I'm worse than before. What the hell is it????
I'm getting about what they say "Good girl for good guy and bad girl for bad guy'. I can't expect more to myself. Since look at me, what's the thing that I could be proud of. I'm not trying to put some negative thinking about what my God will give me. I just realizing this thing. I believe my future someone is a nice person like me. But he couldn't be everything that is nearly perfect for me. But I'm wishing he is going to be the best one I've ever known this whole years of my life. Being lonely isn't good at all. I'm trying to fix myself. I know it's hard, especially when there's always person who wants me to be bad and ugly in personality. This thing is going anywhere now. I'm just feeling sad, why can't I have that happiness like other girls are having? Maybe I'm just really not the good person. I accept it, it's my destiny to be like this. I just need to enjoy my life with myself and friends, still.
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