Long time I don't do any posts in this silly blog. The thing is, I'm just keeping busy with things that I've been working in office and outside office too. Looking so busy, eh? Not really. But lately, I was thinking, that I don't have really quality time with my ownself for just enjoying my young life like everyone else does. I keep my self busy with things that I shouldn't be worried about like looking for money for supporting my life, since I haven't got paid for about 3 months already. Quite sad isn't it? I think so, that's why I looked for other side job as a surveyor for one of the biggest research institution in Indonesia. I bet everyone of you would have noticed it. Its office is in South Jakarta, gatot Subroto street. Well I don't wanna tell. This survey thing is really wear me off. I feel many things which are irrational for me, from the way they asked us (here I'm not working alone) to look for respondent until the way they are going to check the validity of our works. Well for 1 questionaire we are going to get around 2 dollars. OMG. Sounds good, but imagine it. To get 1 questionairre filled by a 'gorgeous' respondent, it would take me like my whole feet walking around 1-2 blocks. Remembering I do it in Jakarta. Damn! It doesn't fit myself at all. I'm totally fucked up with this job, if there is other job including this survey things, I'm not gonna in, period!
Things that I'm sad about is I feel totally depressed with the way I live my life. It's purely my own mistakes, I know. I work in really bad place which I studied in a really difficult major with full of genius people and finished with really bad grade. I think I deserved it. I worked 3 months without any payment and without any clearness while other friends already received their money.
Well things are getting worse and worse day by day. But I realized there is no reason that I should be unthankful for everything now. At least I don't have to go office very early in the morning. But... still I wish something more. In the office, I feel that I couldnt take anything anymore fun like before. Things are getting crueler and crueler for me. I feel I'm worthless and useless. No power to do anythng nomore. Just boring life in office with very boring people now. Well 1 more time I shouldn't think like that. Don't let simple money destroy happiness. Anyway I can still eat good food without that money. I still can buy any soap or any other snacks without that money. Though it comes from my parents. I'm working yet pathetic like this. This one I'm feeling really useless about.
Any other thing is, why am I still stuck with this single status, with nobody really catching in the eyes and heart at all? Well here I got no single people to be flirted to. Lolx.I'm still holding on to a heart which I know have nothing to be relied on to. How sad and pathetic I am. He doesn't even sure, he doesn't even care. I should have just let it go. But it is really hard. Almost 3 years I spend my time for nothing with him.With everyday interaction and contact. Now I should learn to talk my problem off out from him.Don't talk at all dont say anything at all. It does take everything in me not to talk to him.But I know it's worth to try not to start that activity again.I've gotta be strong, I gotta move on, I gotta be a better person. Because with him surely I'm not gonna be a good person that I wanted to be. Knowing that he always takes and puts the worst in me all the time. Really destructive relation, isn;t it? Yes it is, you might say that. It does.
I tried to reduce my intensity to talk to him or see him on cam. Just try it. Hard I know. But it's okay, I'm going to be accustomed to this case. He won't be here, he won't even try anyway. How sad!
I really want to stop looking, want to stop hoping. Pretending that I'm okay with it. I feel already wrecked down, I'm tired to try for this moment. I want to try once I feel I'm getting over it. Maybe next year I will start to think it again. For now I don't . Just give me time to figure out what to do. I do really tired. Let me think about some other thing, maybe just maybe I will find out something more and worth to be proud about to my parents beside this thing which is I feel that I screwed up.
