Another Weird Days In Office

It's been a year I ve been working in this office in the middle of nowhere  West Halmahera. It was good until the storm's coming. What kind of storm it was? I don't even know. All I knew was when I just engaged into relationship with him things are changed between me and people here in office. I don't know why. Did I do something wrong? Maybe because I went home quite late at night. But helloooo it's not everyday, duh! and by the way what it has to do with me and them. Nothing right? If they have something in mind why do they just don't tell me right away? Why do they have to hide and ignore me and all??
Well they blame me for being introvert and not telling them about what's happening with my life and being extrovert to somebody outside people in office instead. Well why don't you all just ask yourself why did you shut me out in the first place? I don't know what's happening but it makes me feel weird. Being in the same room but noone talking to me. It was like I'm there but not really there. And somehow they blame me for not socialize myself. I wanted to but it seems to me that they shut me out. In this situation I miss my friends, yeah I do really miss them.
Well I dont really care about it. I do what I like. I dont want to think about this cheap thing. If they don't like me it's okay. I will still do my job well though. Whatever

What Am I to Say?

It's almost the end of this year 2015. Long time I didn't fill this blog with my stupid writting about stuffs that's happening or stuffs that I'm into. I was busy. Beside of jobs, there are many problems that got me occcupied these whole months. Yeah, I ve been dealing with someone and It doesn't work out so well. Hmmm...present tense, It means that I'm still dealing with it. Course it is. 

I have this kind of relationship with someone, It happened so fast. I didn't think too much to start this relation. It just happened. Got some friends of mine worried too. They said I got some hacked by some witchcraft stuffs or hoodoo voodoo kind of thing. Lolx I wanna roll into the floor right now.

Well....my relationship was and is on and off. And now I couldnt feel that It gets me somewhere better called future together. I dont know whether I should carry on or no. I just know that I still have this feeling for him. Ok call him Mr.Hook, because he hooked me up so easily, I dont know I was stupid or he is too talented. I didnt want to elaborate how I met him, It was kind of silly. I just want to write about how I feel now about this relationship I have.

I do love him, Love here means whatever bad other person say he is...or whatever things he did to me..whatever annoying he is to some other people.. I dont care. I wanna spend more years or ages with him and try to make things work once again. But I cant lie, things are done, been there done that for some kind of drama in the movies. Some random other girl sexting him : checked, that random girl came to his house for some unclear reason : checked, Another abusive words, attitude, behaviour, that hurts me mentally, sexually, physically : checked. I know you could call me stupid for staying and wonder why I stayed for so long, almost a year (I discovered those things just right after 2 months in relationship, yeah well I should have gone while I could, but I didnt).

I dont even know why I stayed. I cant lie that I dont hope so much in this relationship, I cant lie that the possibilities I had for him to change is now growing only 20 percent, I cant lie that I tried to escape from him like God knows how many times I tried to go back to the person I'm with before him. A person who made me just like what I was although I couldnt feel his present besides me. He caught that too, and it kind of hurting him quite much. But here is the thing, He felt that was hurting but why cant I feel the same way before? I still remember those text he sent to other girl telling them how he miss them and tell one of those girls that she is still the best for him. He always said it was just for testing me. Oh man, who are you to test me? You're not even worthy for them or me maybe.

This time I feel like I wanna let go. Let go it means that, whatever he tried to do I let it be. I dont want to tied him again like before. Always worrying about who he is with or who he is texting. I dont wanna do that anymore. I really want to give in. Whatever his decision is. If he want to let me go or he want to stay then it is. But now I dont want to do that again. Being the one who always apologize whether I'm wrong or right. Being the one who just trying to make things right when it doesnt right anymore. I;m tired. I wanna let this thing goes. If he wanted to make things right I will wait. But I feel like I just cant anymore. That Mr. Hook really put his hook inside of me and dont take it off. So if I forcely take it off I would die. But if I just let it in, I would die too , just the matter of time in waiting the blood to run dry.

I want to stop hoping for him. Wishing he is my Mr.Right. But I cant tell him I want it. I want him to do it. To take it off his own hook from me. I want he as the one who started all the flames, to get it done with the heat. To cool it with ice, water, or anything. I have to be ready whenever it is. And by the time he takes off the hook, I dont need to shed a tear or cry the whole night just to kill the night to live another morning everyday. I have to be strong not to drown in sorrow if he left me. I need some distance now. I dont want to text him or call him again. I will just block his text. No matter I still could check the spam box, but at least I didnt have to know if he is texting me. I wanna come back to the old me. Who is enjoying myself but now alone on my own. I have better life aheads on me. I have brother and sisters who still needs me. I have parents, I havent paid them back for how hard they tried to survive the day just to let me be like this. I dont want to destroy my life by overthinking about someone who doesnt respect me anymore. Someone who doesnt see the good in me. Someone who will just shut the light out of my face.

But I cant lie, being with him I understand so many things. He taught me to be brave. To be who I am. To see anything differently. I cant forget how he tried to fix so many things that I couldnt fix. How he tried to help me with my laundry even when he was tired. How he tried to calm down whenever I'm having my PMS trouble each months. I cant forget that, he is a good one. Maybe I just dont understand him as much he wanted me to do. Maybe someone else could only they couldnt be together that is why they still have affair behind my back. He thinks the same thing to about me. In fact it is big impossible for me. Hmmm or maybe we are just the same thing. 

I want to let go. No more hoping he would knock on my door and window shouting in the night to hang out for just eating or sitting near the harbour. No more lunch call. No more breakfast call. No more pick me up after work text. No more where are you I miss you text. No more I want to eat durian let's go and hunt them down. There is no more of it. I should get used to it. When he asked that simply refuse and said that I'm busy with something. Or maybe just not answer it if it's the night time and said I sleep early the next morning in the busy time. So he doesnt invite you to go lunch with him instead. Just cut him off. There you can see you could survive it, like you both never have seen each other before. There you can see, if he really wants you and want to make things work he have to do something real and make you real. I think that is one of so many ways. I have to force myself not to get myself like I'm the one who want it so badly. I have to changed myself. Before he really thinks that I'm weak person. Oh God help me deal with it. I just need to be alone until I'm ready to accept someone better to my life. If it's not him please just let him go......

Out of Control Weight

It's been my second month since I moved in West Halmahera, North Maluku. It is nice being here, They permit me to live in their official house. So, I don't have to pay the rent, just pay the water and electricity bill. Nice! I don't live alone there, but practically I'm alone. My house mate go back to her city every weekend. And now she took some weeks off for giving birth, and yes it means I'm alone in that house. House is quite nice, quite space for just 2 persons, but the bathroom leaked. And I got it fixed by myself. Well can I proud to myself? I'm such a multifunctional lady. LOLX.

Well for the record, here I couldn't find any foods that I want. Food here is quite boring, especially when I have to buy food outside to take it away back home. Just fish, fish, and fish. I like it though. But for like everyday? I don't think so. Sometimes I need just to eat snacks or some light food. And for that reason I have to be able to cook them all to fulfill my desire. It would be so horrible if I'm just thinking about it and couldn't do nothing about it. So Here I am, cooking lady.

It was nice for the beginning, but after some times, I feel something different in my body. Yes, as you can say, I gain weight of course. I don't know how much. But I could feel, and by the mean I could feel the changing, it is bad. Usually I didn't feel but when I checked it, at least 1-2kgs. So it means I gain more than that, Maybe now I'm around 65kg....dammit!
 What can I do now? I like cooking alot when it comes to the food I really want, I just couldn't resist to make it, despite of some failure, mostly I tried at least until 3 times to get right taste. Some food I feel proud of now is Ketoprak (only 1 shot and succeed), Cilok (need 2 times trial to make the better dough), Siomay (one shot, because it is similar to cilok, so I know the way), and other failed foods like Klepon and Mochi (that is clearly because I don't have the equipment).
What will I do now? Knowing that my appetitte is sooooo highly uncontrolable. -You know in night, usually I didn't eat again, but still I could feel the fat burried in my under part of body- And by the way this evening I want to make some cheese donuts too, and the next day cheese cake....I hope it works, and finish before night, so I could give some of them to my neighbours. The thing that can make me eat alot is the feeling guilt if I toshed the foods away and not eating it...
One thing I need to do is exercising, work out like before, but I feel like I have no time for doing it, just tired after work then tomorrow have to start to work again....Anyway I always walk everyday to go n back from office, I hope it helps me to get rid of little fat from my thighs.
           I guess it is enough for today....I need to get some stuffs for my cheese donuts this evening to drink it with coffee or just hot water. And maybe for breakfast. I will just make a little , afraid it failed and too much.And for tomorrow I will make pecel for lunch I guess...with extra veggies. Sounds good.