I Hate...I Hate......

Today was supposed to be a good day. I've been waiting my clothes which are said going to be done today. So I went to the tailor and those haven't finished. Then I tried them all. They already in shape but no buttons. First I tried the orange one. I didn't know why when I saw it, it looked so small. And yes, I tried it and it's really small on me. Usually clothes which is made from tailor is look big in the beginning, but this is very small. I can't put together the part where buttons are set on. Like I have to pull it then they can meet each other. Huh. Am I getting any fatter? I don't think so, it was just 2 weeks, and I did have normal eating, maybe less exercise, and plus I was sick and didn't eat much for days. It's so desperating. Beside that, the orange shirt looked so ugly. It has old vintage style, like really ordinary style, and the orange color looked like a grandma's. But I could trick it if it was just the matter or old style, vintage is not that bad. But it is small. And the second clothes. It looked amazing with purple color and has some golden emboss. I put some dummy for making that design. It has peplum design, not really obviously peplum-ish but I can call it peplum top. But again it was so small. I found it hard to put together the buttons part. I mean even if the I get any fatter, at least the clothes could still fit on me because before they already added some inches for making my clothes. But why they aren't fit on me???

Ok then, i felt totally disappointed. Then mom asked the tailor to fix it. The tailor asked me to bring those clothes just in case those are fit on me when I got home. He thought it was because I use other clothes when I tried them on. But I didn't want it. I just said to him to fix the body part so it doesn't feel that tight anymore. Because it is really tight. If I gain only 1 inches for my top body, maybe I couldn't use those again ever. It was really depressingly just wrapped my body, not covering it. Huh. I wanna explode now. When I was there I just feel normal. But now I don't.

Mom then asked me to look for new fabric. We chose very nice fabric. It was "songket", with pink color and have some flower there. So gorgeous. Well this time I want it to be perfect. It has price Rp35.000,- for a meter. I want the same pattern as the purple clothes with peplum design also. It doesn't matter. I imagine it would look great that way.

Well I have to wait a longer day for it till next week. Damn! I want them all to be fit on me. I've spent  the rest of my saving for it. I didn't use it to buy anything or going anywhere. Most of my saving I spent for paying my rent in Jakarta. Kinda of sad because I don't live there for months and yet still have to pay for it in full amount of money. Almost 3 months let's say I paid for Rp 1.200.000,- for it. When I saw my bank transaction, I just watched how much money I owned that time. Maybe more than Rp 3.000.000,-. I don't know where it's gone. Well leave it. I just gave some of it to people who needs it. 

Can't wait to get my clothes done. Really looking forward into it. I hope my apprenticeship also could get come faster. Because I need to pay my bill. Actually I wait for some of my fairy tales story to be published by some of kids magazine. I hope it will, I really want it since I was a little. Maybe from now I should try to write again. I just write in a day but got so many to write, then the day after that spirit was gone away. And maybe that could add my saving, if the story is published then they gonna send me about Rp 300.000,-. Not bad, huh! But that is out of certainty. Just if. Want some certainty then work your ass off, Duh!!
I may add something I feel hate today. Maybe getting those clothes in small shape could have mean something. At least for 2 weeks, I don't do exercise a lot. I'm getting indicipline about that. I'm getting lazier for doing those activities. I don't know why. Bored maybe. I just do some abs workout routine, and that isn't complete one.Someday I didn't do anything at all. Well that's a thing. Tonight, accidentally while I'm sitting like this now. I touch tummy.Hmm...fat...fat...faaaaaaaaaaaaaaat........ I can feel it...Even I can pull the fat out in my hand from tummy. I feel it, like big bread.....OMG..wanna cryyyyy. Is this it? For a month I did this and in maybe for few days those fat coming back again? I don't know what I have to do.. I should do exercise again or just do some light work out. Thing is if I go back to Jakarta I will be fat again because no chance to work out. Damn it!!! What's happening? I eat rice very little. And appetite just normal not really much. HUh...desperado!!!!!!
 The other annoying thing is my modem. I use neo regular for this month. This month??? Less than a week and all those package has gone by the wind. Maybe just from Wednesday till last night, Saturday. Only three days I spent 2 GB. What a mess!!! Should I buy again. Don't think so. Well, today feel so ufffffffffff,,,but can't forget to be grateful for all the things I get in life for today at least. Alhamdulillah......

Just Another Normal Post

Heya...Feels like years not coming into my blog. Actually I was having bad problem with my stomach, you know if I said stomachache it means I have problem with my disgestion process *.*. For about 2 days full I had this problem, going in out toilet for ehmmm. So tiring but I kinda enjoyed it. Weird?? It's not that, I enjoyed it because my position is in my own home. So, I didn't feel too much suffering for this. Beside that, by having diarhea, I can clean up my stomach from bad bacteries and I lose so much burden from my tummy. Yeay.
I can't online beside of that problem, I also have problem with my modem provider. It reached over the time limit and I got no money so don't fill it. And now I'm kinda borrow my sister's money and I will pay her back tomorrow when I go out for you know shopping or doing something fun.
The thing I wanna talk about here is, finally I can use my old trousers again!!!!!!!! I never used this trousers actually, it was my mom's. I brought that trousers here and there but never really sued it. Because the shape of it really weird on me. It looks like high waist pants, not pencils shape, it kind of straight from tighs parts until down. I'm gonna show the picture later. I wanted to give this trousers to my sister. But she doesn't want that. So the pants keeps folded inside my wardrobe. Without noone touching it. My mom forgot she ever had it and doesn't even know it's exist.
When I used that pants before, I couldn't put the button inside the hole, I couldn't even zipped up the zipper. Damn! And the shape looks so uffff. But now although my ass and tighs still as big as before, but I think they're getting into the shape.So glad. This pants is perfectly coming in, buttoned on, and zipped up perfectly. So glad I could add this pants into my stuffs for working maybe in March.
Well I hope it's not just an illusion, because I'm doing fast and because I'm sick lately. I hope it's because my work out and my food management. I'm intended to arrange some food list if I go back to Jakarta. I really need to do it to keep my body in good shape and healthy. But before that,  I have to lessen my weight bit by bit from now. At least if I come back into my old appetite, it will not disturbed my clothes too much.  Okay in a first week after I got there, I have to eat some foods that I wanted. Start from food near my place, Kwetiaw goreng Mr. Gayus (upps), Ketoprak Bonasel, Nasi Padang (near Indomaret), Sate Kambing ( in front of Indomaret), etc. And for place out from mine, such as Bebek Kaleyo (Tebet), Rich Cheese Factory, Hoka Hoka Bento, and actually I never gone far in Jakarta so I got not much places to go there. I guessed that's enough for me. Gonna need  a lot of money if I stay in Jakarta. But I have to go to shop in traditional market once in a week atleast. And going to do jogging every morning in weekend and holiday. So I will keep eat healthy food and keep my daily routine.
I hope it will come to reality. Gonna capture my picture with that pants and wearing my nice blazer. The blazer was cheap (less than Rp 150.000,-), my mom and I found that in one of clothes shop in my town, forget which one. But the blazer is totally smooth, well sewed, and fall perfectly in my body. So love it. When I bought that I wasn't sure it is good for me, because it is too formally looked. But now it's just going great with that pants. The color isn't brown actually it is like red but very dark.
By the way, I don't know why I feel weird about my hips shape. It doesn't look like other girls's hips. But mom said it's okay. Wide hip is good. But it looks square, you know under my belly button until the gaps between my tighs, ehmm. So it takes some space for my any pants. After all, whatever it is, I just wish to be healthy. I'm not a girl who is really aware about body weight or shape. But I want that some of clothes are fits in me. Because I'm not using same uniform everyday for this work in a year. So have to be clever to choose what's good in me and what's not.
For hijab, I did find already good style for me. It's Arabic style, I took from Nabila-bee's hijab style here .
It doesn't make me looks so chubby, because I don't have obvious cheeks bone. And I really look fine to use pashmina hijab. It could cover my hair well, not transparant, and pashmina always have good color and fabrics. So I just love it better than chiffon, paris, or other hijab fabrics. But actually I don't use 100% pashmina, I have two of them but it is thick, even if it's good. Here is the picture of my hijab style that I'm into.

Looks so pretty, isn't she? *wrong focus* I meant her hijab style?

For clothes, I think I will use jersey long skirt. Because I'm not ready for pants. Upper clothes maybe some batik shirts, which I will make the design bymyself (kind of random), and sew it to tailor here in my town. Although I lost my other 2 fabrics in a very bad tailor. Gonna black list them, huh!

I guess it's okay today, jsut doing some lazy stuffs, can't wait to have breaking my fast today...see ya

Just a Touch of Broken Soul

Today, I'm feeling really messed up. All I want is just get mad, angry, and being crazy. I know there is no point of being sad like that. I'm well aware to keep myself be thankful of everything. But it seems like not that easy in practically. Sometimes, if we look up and see somebody's life, we are going to feel envy and jealous of them. Sometimes I did that also. I don't know what's the story behind them. Who knows that I am luckier than them all. But they are able to show their happiness and hide their holes in their life better than I do. Who knows that somebody out there having some jealousy at me, at my life that I'm having , at everything that I earn now. I never see it that way. I always see flaws that I have. Being angry about something that I'm not even trying to get it. I realize it. I'm well aware of it. God forgive me!
Dealing with myself is the hardest thing to do than making my last paper last year. I could deal with that easily, happily, even if it was hard, I could make myself sure that I would have it done. And yes it was done well. But for dealing with myself even just try to talk to myself out, it's kind of messed up. It has made my head spinning around. I feel really tired of it and end up no exercise, no breakfast and having some junkfood come into my stomach.
What's triggering this? What's the obvious symptom?
I finally find out after I try to look inside myself. I asked to myself when I'm praying and read Holy Quran. Sounds so religious,huh? But it isn't. I'm not that religious girl with long hijab and big size clothes to wear. Not yet. I feel that everytime I see facebook homepage, after that I always feel madly folded my face. It supposed to be fun to see my facebook page. Sometimes I get funny stuff, inspiring posts, information, and new knowledge. But not this now. Everytime I open my facebook page, I directly become terribly concerned about everybody's life. It's because I have too many spare times and I don't use it well, I think. I feel like facebook page doesn't healthy anymore. I mean, too many junk inside there. Too many unimportant stuffs that people posted. Then I remember one of my friend in college. Long time I haven't seen her on facebook since graduation. I search here and there didn't find it. Then by google, found some of hers. I chose facebook, so surprised. She didn't use it anymore. She closed it already. I couldn't find her page anywhere. Even if I found some pictures of her, there's no tag for her. What's happening? I haven't tried to ask her yet. But I bet she got good reason for this. And why didn't I do the same thing? Facebooking sometimes just make people in your life concern about your stupid life, even they concern it to see you fall sometimes. None of them want to see how success you are and waiting your next achievement, I don't think they would. But it depends on how we see it. It could be motivator for people who sees that as motivation to obtain some achievement in their life. But in the other side, it's not more than growing some social-jealousy to anyone who sees their rival as a threat. I'm not really on those both sides, but I know sometimes seeing something on Facebook only able to make you anxious over unimportant things.
I do really want to leave it. But I still need a lot of information from there. But here's the thing. If I just need some informations from there, I shouldn't see something that has no relation to the thing I wanna get information from. Just ignore evrything, good or bad things happend there. It's none of my concern anyway. Find it quite hard I bet. But it's worth a shot. Just keep myself busy and do something that I like. I did fail making video or voice recording. Because the result is weird and didn't go as I thought it would. But I won't stop. I will keep trying maybe for now just voice record only. I did delete my first video because I was so ridicolous there. How about trying to make some articles to send it to some sites who needs article. Well I will try it. Sooner better, I' ve been waiting for their respond. Even if it's kind of desperating.
Afterall I should have just enjoy my own life and keep myself in positive thought. I don't wanna spend my old life in long misery because the bad things that I did in young age.

Don't be Tempted About Tiny Little Thing Called Money

This time tonight, as my daddy is playing some silly game on pc, with me also fooling around blogging some random post, we talked (even we were talking back to back, yes we are busy in our own pc).
He was telling me about some of his friends who ever got bad move on making some business. They are police same like my dad. But you know as government worker, salary which they get each month couldn't cover their daily tertiary needs . I mean, yeah that's enough of money that they could get as government worker, but it could just reach enough bar. If they want to get new serie of cars for them to ride on, they need more effort than being government's bitch (I'm sorry for bad language).
For making this any shorter, dad told me they did some business, according to him it's many kind of business. One that he told, is growing some investment on land. I didn't really get it how it's going. But I understand that the problem is on the land. The first owner kinda have some problem with the bank and land that he uses for investment is kinda in the conflict state. Thing is I didn't really make it sense is, why didn't he  take some curiosity? Knowing that the man who sold the land, has bad reputation. Well who knows about that? Dad also doesn't understand why. This problem eats him alive. He lost 600 million rupiahs for that. Not small amount of money for sure. If my dad did that I don't know, maybe I wouldn't sit here and writting this blog, I could have been anywhere to help him get his money back. This problem is still on going. I hope his friend can figure it out soon.
Another dad's friend also had this kinda problem. Even worse until they had to be imprisoned, the most tragic part is dad had duty to take them to the jail. I don't even imagine how it feels. So, dad told me why he doesn't want to make some business out of his job. He is really dedicated his life to his amazing occupation. Yes, he is very honest, loyal, and value to his job. Job like that of course need strong principe.
Once I ever thought, how if when I work, I do some business aside of my real job. I do alot about that kind of thought. Just thought. I have never made it real. I ever asked parents to buy me some goats when I had money. But then they didn't want to. Look like I got an offspring for both of my parents. They don't like do things like business or side job. Mom said, she couldn't do that because it will end up to loss. Dad also has this same thought. Yeah, I guess they just made for each other.
I saw some other friends doing this that, while having long holiday. I actually want also. Want to move my feet to feel some job and get the fresh air. But then I stop myself and think, this holiday won't back more. I know it's a chance for me to do something. But I ask again myself, are you ready to leave your family? You won't get alot of time like what you're having right now. I know I'm sounded so childish here, like cuddling under mom's armpit. But it's me enjoying the moment. I hope when I do something to them, like serving them to make food, dinner, making coffee, Allah will give me more grace for my future. Hope so.
Once again dad told me that life is not about money, enough for many people sometimes is not enough. They want more in this life. I really know how my parents work start from zero of their life. I feel it. How they build this home, how they collect money penny by penny to buy old car, of course they use some debt in bank. But it is safe because they got it cut from their salary in each month. We are living in pretty simple life. Some other friends with same parent's occupation I saw that time when I was so young, they had very good life. Being famous, going out school with car, having new mobile phone, dress up nicely. That time I was just looking like some silly girl. I heard once a friend asked to another friends, "Why is she living so simple, that A girl looks wealthy, their father policeman right?". "Yeah, maybe her (my) dad position is lower than that A girl", another replied. I heard it, and I was "OK". Since I was kid I'm never ever having that rich girl lifestyle of living. Not every stuffs that I wanted they could give me I know. But I knew my place, that they were in hard place for settling new home, etc,etc.
I was raised in very simple family. I'm really be thankful for that. I never joined some cool girl group. Because I know I couldn't be placed with them. I never having what's "the IN" stuffs like they are using. I don't even want it. I hope that My Glorious God out there could hear me. I want no fancy lifestyle like that. I want that anything I need and want for my family, could be granted. Just that. I'm no proud of what I'm now. I m non talented-average girl next door kind of girl. So...please. I don't want a lot of money if it couldnt make me happy and share it to family and anyone who needs. But money is fine too for now, lolx.
By the way....things get little bit too overwhelmed tonight. I don't wanna end up on some past review, so I gotta end it. I hope I can do some video tutorials or video learning of English. Hope so. Bye

New Vocab (Part 3)

It's been a very clumsy day for me....I didn't know what to do and end up in the earthquake moment in the middle of the noon. It's not much that terribly big, but it was really made me pretty shocked up. More or less it was about 5 minutes. According to BMKG it has 6.3 SR. So potential, huh? Its center was in Hindia ocean, for certain place was in Kebumen regency, near my regency FYI. I watched on the news, they said it was in the depth about 60meters under the sea. That's why it gave some mess around the Java Island. Well I saw it didn't take victims at all, Alhamdulillah. The thing is, it was such a warning for human that He is listening, He is knowing for all that we've done, and He could give us more than that if we stop to obey. Well I got it in the hard way. It's really kicked me in the ass, soooo much. I did want to delay my dzuhur prayer. And I realized, it jsut happend 15 minutes after adzan ended. If someone did pray right after heard the adzan called, it would have been finished by the time the earthquake happend. So, I think it to myself, I shouldn't think to delay it anymore what if this was bigger and harder then I don't know I still can take my last prayer or not. Scary, eh?
Well this time I also post some of new vocabs from Supernatural season 9 episode 10. I didn't finished it yet. Kind of lazy to watch in situation like this. So that just it.

stutter : speaks not clearly
bootted out : kick off, fired
"like it all matters" : "like it's important"
shackle : tied
stiff : rigid, clumsy
vicinity : around, surround, "People who lives in your vicinity will end up dead"
viable : could be work, "I have Plan B which is more viable than Plan A"
scrounge up : looking for, steal
inexplicable : can't be explained
"Why do you need the wheels?" : "Why do you need to use vehicle?"

My New Vocab (Part 2)

Today, I'm going to watch Originals the series which is the spin off from The Vampire Diaries. When TVD started their season 5, Originals released their first season. Kinda like it more than TVD, because the plot and their twisted story between witch, vampire, werewolf, and the original family is really awesome. However TVD starts to get weaker episode by episode. The thing that makes it strong for making their fans stay tune is the power of Damon, but in season 5 he is more like Elena's bitch. Still looking forward what they would bring though. Ok, let's get this faster. I will watch Originals Season 1 Episode 11. I'm gonna make the list of  my new vocabs. Check it out.

to be reckoned with : to be counted on,"He is still good to be reckoned with"
tucked in : slipped in, stayed, "She is tucked in down the hall"
splendid : good, "It's not a splendid idea"
racket : noisy, "What's with all the racket?"
disrupt : disturb, "I said disrupt the household, not the whole city"
manifest : transform, "Why is she manifesting into such a little girl?"
snoopy : overwhelmed curiosity, "I was really snoopy about your secret"
eavesdrop : listen to something behind door etc, "You know you don't have to eavesdrop, I keep nothing from you"
"Eww.. If that's dinner, I pass" ="Eww..if that's dinner, I don't want to eat"
conscrate : making something in holy
bribe :"sogok"
startling : surprising
conveniently : happily. cheerfully, "She said that conveniently"
resurected : come back, can be used again, "After that sacrificing, she will be resurected"
stripped : taken, "I know what it's like to have your happiness stripped away from you"
deteriorate : getting worse, "The more upset you are, the faster you deteriorate"
prominent : outstanding citizen
"Enlightened me" : "explain it to me", "humor me", "try me"
profound : very deep, very big, "it's profound and wonderful to know you are still alive"
hemorrhaging : bleeding
incessant : continuously
stupefy : wonder
refuge : shelter
accomplished : clever, "He is accomplished in many things, but not about cooking"
conduit :transfer, " I do it to conduit my power to that witch"

Too much new vocab in this show, I know, because mostly the actors have British-English accent,  so I think a lot of vocabularies that I never get used to it. Yesterday, I also wanted to write from PLL series, but no new vocabs that I found there. All are easy vocabs, even without subtitle I can understand and get each of their conversation.

The Disquietude in the Edge of 22 Years Old

In this solitude moment like this --a moment between freshgraduated, unemployment *slash* waiting period to be an employee in the Indonesia Bureau of Statistics (we call it BPS here)--, is the most dangerous moment for a girl like me. Why is it so?
In this vacant time or I would like to say it, long holiday, many many thoughts are coming into my mind. Living as single person, under the roof with my parents and siblings, starts to make me feel uncomfortable lately. I am an unemployment, eating from my parents's income,sleeping on their bed and sometimes being lazy, are just a little things that I feel. The worse part is when my mom said, "Just got married there then one burden is released". OMG. Kind of sad actually. It was joking (yea..my mom's joke kind of sarcastic sometimes) so I would not be like hurt a lot and lock myself inside my room no...i wouldn't do that (euww). The thing is I'm getting older with this age.
Well last year, maybe if someone told me about marriage stuffs I would like "Haaa..I'm still in college...study..paper...test.I will go for it later." But now, this escaping mode is really really gets old. This year I would be 23 Insha Allah (aamiiin). And it means that, I MUST  think about that.
This thoughts are starting to get overheated lately. Since, first : I don't have boyfriend, Second : Looks like my parents give it all on me, and the third : I'm not ready in any relationship right now. I'm really screwed. Beside, day by day, my timeline facebook is overwhelmed by wedding pictures post by some of seniors, friends, or even 'crushes' (oww). This anxious feeling comes from my counting too, it's kind of my own perspective, so please don't judge it.
early 2014-early 2015  (23 years old) : apprenticeship
middle 2015 (24 years old) : placement into some random region
All right, that's my counting. I will settle in semi permanent place in the age 24 years old. One thing that I'm afraid of isn't about when I will get married, but Will I get married because of my age and social demand or because I really find someone whom I want to spend my life with.
I feel envy to some of male friends. They have long time for settling theirselves into their good position of their lifes without their parents urge them to get married or arrange them into it. For a girl, past 25 year old is kind of making parents in an anxiousness feeling. They will go here and there to their friends who have single son and start to put some compliments toward their not-yet married daughter.
Imagination is getting scarier, isn't it?
I was having this kind of imagination when I was teenager. Like I will marry in the age 23. Sounds pretty young to be a wife and maybe mother, but still educated after complete the degree. Then it didn't go so well, once I enter college. There seems like I don't want to married that fast. I will complete my degree and work for a year. Yes and then setting some plan 24 is better.That time it was like 10 years later (too much?). But now hello next year I'm gonna be 24.What am I going to do? I believe God already made His plan for me. But it doesn't mean I can just sit back and relax and just praying that our life partner going to fall from ceiling to me, right? Besides that, I'm not kind of girl who is finding it easy to attract opposite sex's attention. Even if there was one or two persons, I usually drag myself away from them once they said interested in me. I don't know this pull push things always happens to me.
Well, I will just think like this. Whenever it is my fate will be, just be it. I wouldn't set the timing or bordering myself on what I should have done. I don't wanna be trapped in a relationship which I don't feel comfy and attached because I'm afraid of being late or pushed by some other people. But anytime anywhere I found the It-Guy, don't take too much time. Just hit it! What a nice words right? All I have to do now is fixing myself to be a better one. Which is very hard to do in situation like this. But it's worth a shot.
Anyway, just relax and be positive.