In this solitude moment like this --a moment between freshgraduated, unemployment *slash* waiting period to be an employee in the Indonesia Bureau of Statistics (we call it BPS here)--, is the most dangerous moment for a girl like me. Why is it so?
In this vacant time or I would like to say it, long holiday, many many thoughts are coming into my mind. Living as single person, under the roof with my parents and siblings, starts to make me feel uncomfortable lately. I am an unemployment, eating from my parents's income,sleeping on their bed and sometimes being lazy, are just a little things that I feel. The worse part is when my mom said, "Just got married there then one burden is released". OMG. Kind of sad actually. It was joking (yea..my mom's joke kind of sarcastic sometimes) so I would not be like hurt a lot and lock myself inside my room no...i wouldn't do that (euww). The thing is I'm getting older with this age.
Well last year, maybe if someone told me about marriage stuffs I would like "Haaa..I'm still in college...study..paper...test.I will go for it later." But now, this escaping mode is really really gets old. This year I would be 23 Insha Allah (aamiiin). And it means that, I MUST think about that.
This thoughts are starting to get overheated lately. Since, first : I don't have boyfriend, Second : Looks like my parents give it all on me, and the third : I'm not ready in any relationship right now. I'm really screwed. Beside, day by day, my timeline facebook is overwhelmed by wedding pictures post by some of seniors, friends, or even 'crushes' (oww). This anxious feeling comes from my counting too, it's kind of my own perspective, so please don't judge it.
early 2014-early 2015 (23 years old) : apprenticeship
middle 2015 (24 years old) : placement into some random region
All right, that's my counting. I will settle in semi permanent place in the age 24 years old. One thing that I'm afraid of isn't about when I will get married, but Will I get married because of my age and social demand or because I really find someone whom I want to spend my life with.
I feel envy to some of male friends. They have long time for settling theirselves into their good position of their lifes without their parents urge them to get married or arrange them into it. For a girl, past 25 year old is kind of making parents in an anxiousness feeling. They will go here and there to their friends who have single son and start to put some compliments toward their not-yet married daughter.
Imagination is getting scarier, isn't it?
I was having this kind of imagination when I was teenager. Like I will marry in the age 23. Sounds pretty young to be a wife and maybe mother, but still educated after complete the degree. Then it didn't go so well, once I enter college. There seems like I don't want to married that fast. I will complete my degree and work for a year. Yes and then setting some plan 24 is better.That time it was like 10 years later (too much?). But now hello next year I'm gonna be 24.What am I going to do? I believe God already made His plan for me. But it doesn't mean I can just sit back and relax and just praying that our life partner going to fall from ceiling to me, right? Besides that, I'm not kind of girl who is finding it easy to attract opposite sex's attention. Even if there was one or two persons, I usually drag myself away from them once they said interested in me. I don't know this pull push things always happens to me.
Well, I will just think like this. Whenever it is my fate will be, just be it. I wouldn't set the timing or bordering myself on what I should have done. I don't wanna be trapped in a relationship which I don't feel comfy and attached because I'm afraid of being late or pushed by some other people. But anytime anywhere I found the It-Guy, don't take too much time. Just hit it! What a nice words right? All I have to do now is fixing myself to be a better one. Which is very hard to do in situation like this. But it's worth a shot.
Anyway, just relax and be positive.
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